The Best Chuck Norris Jokes

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Fear of of spiders is called arachnophobia. Fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called common sense.
Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris doesn’t actually need to eat. Food just uses his body foChuck Norris jokesr protection.
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his living room. The bear isn’t dead. He’s just afraid to move.
Once a cop pulled over Chuck Norris. The cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris. But it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.


Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars? He was the Force.
When Chuck Norris puts milk on rice crispies, they keep quiet.
When Chuck Norris rides into the sunset, the sun is actually running from him.
Some magicians can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris once peed in a truck’s gas tank, as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
If Chuck Norris were to ever run out of ammo, his weapon would continue to fire out of fear of disappointing Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had his own toilet paper brand. It was taken off the market, because it wouldn’t take crap from anybody.
Chuck Norris can sharpen a light saber.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris gets the Sunday paper on Thursday.
Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby. Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
When Chuck Norris tells you to jump, you don’t ask “how high?” You ask, “when do I come down?”
Chuck Norris can answer a missed call.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.


Chuck Norris didn’t have to watch the movie “Knowing.” He already knew.
Every time Chuck Norris looks into a mirror, it breaks. Even glass is not stupid enough to get between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a tornado.
Chuck Norris just doesn’t like trailer parks.
The Guinness Book of World Records is actually Chuck Norris’  elementary school report card.
In Monopoly, you pay Chuck Norris to stay off your property.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter.”
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe. He holds air hostage.
If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, even Google won’t be able to find you.

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