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Erma Bombeck Quotes





"Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you."
Erma Bombeck

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
Erma Bombeck

"Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him."
Erma Bombeck

"Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw."
Erma Bombeck

"I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows."
Erma Bombeck

"Who, in their infinite wisdom, decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
Erma Bombeck



"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity."
Erma Bombeck

"Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown."
Erma Bombeck

"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."
Erma Bombeck

"When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States."
Erma Bombeck

"Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed."
Erma Bombeck


"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
Erma Bombeck

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
Erma Bombeck



"Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!"
Erma Bombeck

"How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?"
Erma Bombeck

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."
Erma Bombeck

"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer SAYS you're out of it."
Erma Bombeck

"Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip."
Erma Bombeck



"On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies and the sand out of our belongings."
Erma Bombeck

"There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."
Erma Bombeck

"I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes."
Erma Bombeck

"Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great shell in a gift shop, but some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?"
Erma Bombeck











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