"Everyone has the brainpower to follow the stock market. If you made it through fifth-grade math, you can do it."
"Emotions are your worst enemy in the stock market."
"I never attempt to make money on the stock market. I buy on the assumption that they could close the market the next day and not reopen it for five years."
"We simply attempt to be fearful when others are greedy, and to be greedy only when others are fearful."
"October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February."
"Happiness is a stock that doubles in a year."
Ira U. Cobleigh
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ''At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
"Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it."
"The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith."
"The happiest business in all the world is that of making friends, And no investment on the street pays larger dividends, For life is more than stocks and bonds, and love than rate percent, And he who gives in friendship's name shall reap what he has"
Today in the stock market:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom
Diapers remain unchanged
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday
Balloon prices were inflated